If you like it, put a ring on it! Or multiple, from an onion. [Satire]


Yan Z

The famous onion, located on a patch of grass behind Green Hope.

Yan Zimnitskaya, Staff Writer

Inflation has driven produce prices to insane heights. Surprisingly, apples have felt the greatest impact. Schools are scampering to quickly find a replacement for the loss of the most nutritious (and real) food on the school lunch plate. Some creative Green Hope freshmen have turned to another lunch option: onions.

Haldor Rex (‘26), the student who introduced the new lunch option, said “if you really think about it, apples and onions are the same. The apples just taste slightly worse.”

An onion was spotted on school campus on January 30, already devoured (albeit wastefully).

Jaye Bayard (‘26) quickly jumped on the trend, saying, “I do believe that onions make me feel at home–specifically their smell. On a hot day, it’s nostalgic for me, you know? Just like the middle school locker rooms in seventh grade.”

This sweet sentiment resonated with many other underclassmen.

Niki Laney (‘26) shared her thoughts on the issue: “I don’t know, we need to branch out the American diet. People don’t know the value of onions in our world. It’s the Russian Doll, only of the heart.”

At the time of publishing, the onion is still just sitting there.